Well, just the busy life I suppose. For the past couples weeks I have restricted (or more accurately been restricted) my online access and communication. This is because of a book deadline I have. By the end of August we will be releasing a new book. And there is still some work to be done on it. So this is the reason for lack of activity. Not a great start to what I wanted to be a regularly schedule blog.
What I see as a challenge for the endeavor is routine. I am just not use to logging in a writing. Especially here. I have my normal stops in my online world. I hit facebook (Jedi Academy Online has a page). I hit the JAO forums. I check in with my Wildstar guild. I check up on three web comics I enjoy. Clean out my spam folder. And then I am off. No need to sit plastered in front of a computer screen all day. do that enough at work. Writing about the daily events or big events in my life as a Jedi just is not something I am use as of yet. Though the point of this is to start to make that a habit. Share my own journey.
My current challenges are setting things down in order and checking them off the to-do list. It has been tough with this book work. But it has also been educational and rewarding. It has shown the value of stepping away from other areas to focus on a particular project. Something I tend to struggle with. I am usually going in 5 different directions. And because of that a lot of projects I start don’t get finished. I am not one who can do five things at once. =) However I am getting better at managing those five things and addressing them accordingly.
In other news – My emotional stability is still rock solid. I faced a tough situation and again came out a-okay. There is a girl I love but we cannot be together. And that’s okay. Doesn’t change how I feel. I am not mad or upset about it. And it hasn’t disrupted my stability or lifestyle. It is what it is and just being able to embrace that love ‘as is’ has reinforced my emotional well-being. Slowly but surely I have been confronting my romantic wants. Addressing my emotional desires. It has been a good journey. As there have been very strong and attractive women in my life that steal my breath and heart away. But it is never a situation where I could simply pursue them. In the past that has caused emotional distress. Wanting, but not obtaining. I was obsessed with an ex-girlfriend for a long time because that desire overruled my common sense. And ultimately my emotional wellness hit its lowest point possible.
These days it is an acceptance of the time, interaction, and ultimately the enjoyment we do get to share. I don’t hold any delusions about the situation and embrace how I feel. These women are amazing people and I dare anyone not to fall in love with them. One of the core aspects of Emotional Stability is feeling without the knee-jerk reaction. It is processing emotions as they arise and coming to terms with them. Understanding what they are telling us. For me, in this situation, it is telling me what I admire, what I want, and what I find attractive in a woman. So should I decide to be romantically involved again I have a great understanding of what I am looking for.
It is a freeing experience. To feel without the need to react. To embrace without the compulsion to possess. It inspires me. It lets me know I am not dead inside. That I am emotionally available. And that I am willing to share that freely when I meet the right woman in the right situation. That I can handle the ups and downs of a relationship in stride. That I can feel and empathize within the relationship without fear. Which simply opens up the lines of communication and helps build trust. Core aspects to any relationship.
Emotional Stability has been a major focus recently. I faced it at the gathering in July. One of the major realizations i gained from all of this was a simple fact. The Jedi Ideals never failed me. I failed myself by not fully living them. The community failed in delivering those ideals in a useful manner (which is simply the trial by error process unfortunately). Yet the concepts, the things Jedi value have proven infinitely useful in some of the toughest situations we can face. And it has certainly shown that I am miles away from where I use to be as a 18 year old kid. As Muhammad Ali said, “a man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”
It is refreshing and encouraging to know I have not waste my time. That I have grown and will continue to grow. That right now I am in a great place in my life and can share that with those close to me. I can share that with the JAO. I can say with full confidence that the Jedi Path is and has been a useful and beneficial undertaking. There are times I wish I could have grasped it sooner, but now I can ensure that others get that opportunity.
And that is my update. The journey continues. As my deadline is officially over I’ll look to update a bit more regularly. No promises.