Tag Archives: Love

Jedi, Relationships, and the End…

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Romantic relationships can be hard work sometimes. Heck all relationships really. Communication. Trust. Attachment. Many things can happen in life where we act or react in a way that puts a strain on the relationships around us. Romantic relationships are great! Until they are not (a little Yogi Berra there for you). When you are in love it can be insanely difficult to tell if your relationship has come to an end. To clarify this doesn’t have to mean romantic love. Love of family and friends applies here as well. Though my point and focus for this is based upon romantic love.

I have had several core relationship in my life come to an end. I like it is a natural part of life. We continue to grow and sometimes we outgrow certain relationships. A few years ago my friendship with my best friend that I had known since Junior High came to an end. We drifted apart over the years, ignoring those differences until we just didn’t understand or trust each other anymore. I have gone through divorce with a woman I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with. But as the struggles of life hit we turned in different directions, sought different outlets, and lost what drew us together in the first place.

It is painful to lose someone we value. As such we can find ourselves holding onto toxic relationships simply because loss sucks. Doesn’t matter how much you experience it, it is still sad to find that something that was once central in your life just no longer has a place within it. Of course strong relationships mean strong emotions and as a Jedi we know what that means – judgment isn’t always clear. And “knowing” something doesn’t mean we act on it. Just because we understand the rational choice doesn’t mean we are anymore inclined to follow it. The heart wants what the hearts wants, but when can we tell it is time to Jedi-Up and take that first bold step in a new direction?

Over the years I have ended good relationships too early, stayed in bad relationships way too long, and vice versa. Eventually I found I needed a checklist. Something to use my Jedi-Mind in conjunction with my Emotional State of Being. It simply helps me make sure I am not making a completely emotional and impulsive decision in regards to my personal relationships. So here are the questions I present to myself. Through reflection, being honest with myself and my answers, I can come to a fair conclusion. As I find myself running through this checklist again, I figured I’d share it.
1.) When I think of this relationship ending what is my major feeling/emotion?
Fear? Loneliness? Relief? Sorrow? Apathy? Usually there is a mix (anger can make appearances), but generally you can feel one above the other. And it tells you a lot about the state of your relationship. Sometimes this alone can show you if you have already checked-out or that you were truly in a bad situation. Fear is rarely about love. Often it is something within us, a fear of being alone, a fear of public perception, a fear of loss of friends, or support. Sorrow and heartbreak can be clear indicators, that you really don’t want the relationship to end. That you value it and the person and while you would wish nothing but the best for them, you have no desire to remove the relationship from your life. Still, you have to make sure that is a balanced feeling, not just chemical levels dancing and jumping around. So. How do you feel about the end?

2.) How will I feel about this in two months?
A couple days can be enough to help calm, settle, and get perspective, but we are still close to the situation. Years down the road won’t matter, because we are survivors. We have lived through a lot and will continue to do so. And even when we get tired of it all, here we are, still taking each day as it comes. So in 20 years most things won’t matter. In 200, no one will care. But two months from now? Where will you be at? Honestly, how will you feel? Will you miss and regret and be wanting to build a time machine? Or will you already be in the process of moving forward? Will you be going through the mourning stages and allowing yourself the chance at something better? No one can predict the future. But we can take the time for honest self-reflection and get an idea of what we will do should this end. We know ourselves well enough (even if just barely) to understand if we can truly let go and move forward. Which often goes back to that first question of how your truly feel about an ending. If you are already planning your life without that person in two months – then you know your answer.

3.) Can I trust this person?
No, not “Do I trust” because frankly you may not within that moment and that may be perfectly justifiable. The question is not of right now, but is that trust gone forever. No wait, that is too long. The question is, will trust be there when things have calmed down? If a person says they will learn from the situation, do you believe that can happen? Will you be able to (in relative time) trust in their commitment to you and your relationship? In a couple months will you be wondering who they are talking to? Will you be worried about leaving your phone in their presence? When they say they miss you, or love you, or that everything is fine – will you believe them? Will you trust them? Again, trust takes time, so it is okay it have that shaken a bit for a little while. But if it is still going to be an issue down the road than you ask what is your relationship without trust?

4.) Can I talk to this person?
Communication is harped on time and time again. Read absolutely any article on successful relationships and it is one of the first two things mentioned. You cannot have ANY relationship without communication. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends that if we saw each other we would pick up right where we left off. Family experiences this a bit more, we don’t always have constant contact with certain family members. However the question is can we? Can you reach out to this person and trust them to get back to you in a reasonable amount of time? Not only that, but do you feel comfortable speaking to them? I have been in relationships where I was terrified to speak openly and honestly. I was scared to communicate because of what might happen. This is not healthy, you may experience some worry, but if you tremble at the thought of speaking up, that is not good. So the question is can you talk with this person? Will they ignore you? Will they get defensive and lash out at you? Blame you? If you are terrified to talk or on the flipside you are shouting into a vacuum then the answer of your relationship is pretty clear. Open and Honest Communication is necessary.

5.) Has there been a change in investment?
Relationships require investment of time and energy. When new and exciting we often invest a lot – hours of talking and emotional energy. As things settle that can change into a more comfortable schedule (which doesn’t make us fall asleep at work anymore). This is normal, but the question of investment is important. Especially if there has been a drastic change from one side. It is the first and most used way to create distance (which is a sign of things to come). The question to ask is – would this have been the same two weeks ago? If two weeks ago you were super busy and you still were talking with this person, has that changed? Is playing a video game now more important than talking? You have to know the difference between a gradual decline into schedules and comfort versus being made to feel less important than a tv show or whatever. If someone once made the effort to talk with you and now they are just “too busy” – that is something to look at. And if you cannot talk to them, if you are being shut out, shut down, or attacked – you have to ask, what kind of relationship is that really? Remember, no one is too busy to say hello or good morning or goodnight or so sorry I am busy we will talk later. It is a two second investment and if you aren’t worth that or they aren’t worth that to you then what relationship do you truly have?

Honorable Mention: Do I Love this Person?
I don’t have this numbered because it is a trick question. It IS an Important question. If the answer is no, then there you go. Hence why I am mentioning it, but the answer being yes doesn’t automatically mean to stick it out. You can absolutely love someone and still know it is not a healthy relationship. It is okay to miss people that no longer have a place in your life. As people grow and evolve (not about for better or worse, just different) so do relationships. And sometimes we love people but know they are not good for our lives. It is hard. It still sucks. Doesn’t make things easier. But while Love can go a very long way, it alone cannot save a relationship. You both need to be willing to spend time together, make sacrifices for each other, talk to one another. A good relationship is about love, communication, trust, and working together to build a steady and solid foundation for the future. If you are the only one willing to do that -or they are the only one willing to do that- then it is time to move on.

Seeking Peace through the Jedi Lifestyle

Ancient_Monument_TCG_by_Cynthie_Sheppard
Many seek to find a more peaceful life. One not defined by the hustle of life. The Jedi Way often talks of peace and peace of mind. But what ideas can we applied directly to our lives from our fictional counterparts to make that a reality?
“Conquer Materialism” – The desire for more is not a bad thing, but certainly moderation is key. The newest this or the slimmer that – are they needs? All material things are impermanent and will require replacing eventually. Enjoy what you have now. It may not be the best or where you want to be, but that doesn’t take away from the great things you do have in your life. The necessities of life, Water, Food, Shelter. So yes, enjoy that phone or computer (however you are reading this), but don’t get lost to the chase for more, more, more , more. Embrace your now and be content with what you do have.

“You were right about one thing master. The negotiations were short.” – If you cannot laugh at the situation or yourself you may be taking things a bit too seriously. This isn’t to say that a situation isn’t serious, but a dose of humor goes a long way to ensuring we don’t get caught in a stressful way of thinking. Laugh, Smile, seek the messed up humorous side of it all. Life can be pretty ridiculous, best to laugh with it.

“Jedi are encouraged to love.” – Love freely and openly. No that does not mean try to sleep with senators from Naboo. It means that this world has many great things to truly appreciate, enjoy, and love. Pets, family, friends, significant other, love deeply, richly, and openly. Again, nothing lasts forever. So enjoy these memories and relationships and connections while they are here. Do not worry about some ‘what if’ – instead embrace the love now with all your heart. Especially for pets. Give them pets and treats for me.

“Concentrate. Concentrate.” – Meditation. Focus. A daily routine and practice of meditation makes a impact. There is no – doing it wrong. Do a little research, find a meditation technique that you find enjoyable. Set it into your daily routine. We have a couple videos that may help. Whatever works for you. Do it and reap the benefits of cultivating a center of calm. It is well worth the investment.

“Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.” – The major theme here. Yes, future plans and goals are important. Yes, the past provides valuable lessons to learn from. But happiness, peace, these are found in this very moment. It is a choice. Turn off the tv, go admire the beauty and wonder of nature (even a local park in the city provides this). Just 10 minutes of not drowning yourself in media and noise – instead spend it outside just taking in the world around. Life. Concentrate on the moment – this time. This is for you. You have this moment – what will you do with it? Hopefully close this article and go enjoy what the moment has to offer. Even if that is merely looking out the window of your office building at the sky above.

Be a Jedi Master

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Whether you have been on the Jedi Path for ten years or ten minutes be a Jedi Master. I am sure this sounds silly and wildly impractical. But really there is no reason not to seek to be the Master at this point. Failure doesn’t make you a failure, just another lesson. Success doesn’t mean the end, it is a continual process. So why not step up and simply be the Jedi Master you would like to be one day? Why not make one day, today? It may not be as difficult as it seems.

  • Embrace the Healthy – Physical health plays an active role in all our areas of wellness. But it is not the sole focus of the Jedi. Embrace healthy living. This means be aware of your intake on many levels. Food intake, sure, but also social intake. What are you digesting on a daily basis? What is your news feed and daily environment serving to you? Are you constantly bombarded with negative, hostile, and belittling behaviors and images? Embrace a healthy lifestyle. This means enjoying some exercise, adding some healthy snacks, getting your meditation on, and creating a more positive and nurturing environment for yourself. Take some time for yourself and seek to cultivate a daily life that pushes you in the direction you want to go. Don’t allow others to bury you under unhealthy habits.
  • Be Courteous and Respectful – A pretty simple concept, but one we sometimes forget to put into practice. The world can seem a bit overbearing and stressful at times. Yet it is still a wonderful and beautiful place. So don’t let the negative rule your focus. Instead meet each new situation and person as another chance to spread some goodness in world. Smile, offer a friendly greeting, be helpful. Perhaps the person deserves it or they don’t. Suspend judgment and simply treat all you meet with a general courtesy and respect. Accept them for who they are – a living being trying to make their own way in the world. A little kindness can go a very long way.
  • Accept the Challenges and Seek Out the Solutions – Life is a wonderful thing. You are alive and that is an amazing and beautiful thing. But it doesn’t not always feel like it. At times we are faced with some pretty tough challenges and we can forget to stop and appreciate the joy our world does offer. Accept the challenges which present themselves. Do not hate them, run from them, or regret them. Acknowledge them, embrace them, and accept them. Doing this gives you the power to affect change and overcome them.

    As such seek the solutions. Your focus is ever important in life. Don’t drown yourself in the problem, instead look deeply at it seeking the solution. When you encounter any challenge or obstacle, look for the solution to it. Troubleshoot, problem-solve, get elbow deep into it. Accept the challenge and find the solution.

  • Take the Time to Learn – When someone talks, listen. Take the time to truly learn their point of view. This is a great way to show courtesy and respect. But if you have a someone offering their story, their experience, stop and truly listen to what they are saying. If someone wants to show you how to do something, don’t let ego get in the way. Stop and accept the offer, the gift. You never know what you may learn. And yes, it may simply be how not to do something, but that in itself is still valuable. We all have experiences, lessons, and stories which can be of positive impact to other people. If you want to be heard, be the example. Take the time to listen and learn whenever the chances arises.
  • Keep the Basics at Heart – Appreciation and Gratitude are the most basic. Appreciate what you have and where you are at. You are not at the end of your journey, because you are still alive. Acknowledge that simple fact and own the moment, own the day, own your life. Remember that it wasn’t just you that got you to this point. Life has been a shared journey with many players. Some heroes, some villains, some offering the much needed comic relief. They all offer something of value and that should be appreciated. This moment isn’t promised to anyone, yet here you are, with a chance to make the most of it. So rock it out Jedi Master.

Still Finding the Format

I have been messing with how to get all this social media connected. Seeing what works best. Looking to find a balance between convenience and utility. It has been an interesting learning experience. Not sure I am done yet. But I am certainly enjoying the experience and even the stumbling. Missed some posts here because I thought I had set-up a cross post. I’ll be trying a new approach. And we’ll see how that goes.

Just wanted to update really. Things have been crazy. Balance of living as a Jedi daily has been tested a bit more than usual. Again, great experience, but certainly taxing. Still had a weekend in San Francisco. There was a cool Yoda heart sculpture thing downtown. Nice little welcome. It is good to get out in the world. Be a tourist in a place you know. I very much enjoy the world and experiencing it.

If I can recommend a little challenge. Go be a tourist in the city you live.

Hey Jedi. Instead of the Jedi wisdom this or meditation that. Or motivational this or inspirational that. How about we just take a moment to really love life. To smile and appreciate this day. And maybe, just maybe, we carry that love for the rest of the moments we experience.
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To my dearest friends

Today has been a slow and relaxing day. It was elevated into a wonderful reminder of how fortunate I am. I have had and do have some great people in my life. Exceptional women, it be a bit more precise, that have really encouraged me and inspired me to be a better person. It is just something that i was directly reminded of. There are many types of love and I can say to each of them, I Love You. But for each it would mean something different. Really what it means is simply – I am extremely grateful for your presence and influence in my life. You have impacted my life and I shall endeavor to do right by that. You always have a place in my heart and in my life. No matter distance or time if you ever anything I am here for you. Thank you for being my friend.
But really, I love ya is just so much shorter and easier to say. 😉